Part 3 // In Every Season

**If you're just joining us, please read the intro and Part 1 & 2 to this story. Trust me. haha.
-Intro//In Every Season
-Part 1 & Part 2

Infertility is such a depressing word. My heart still flinches a bit when I see it because it makes me feel so inadequate. What does that word mean anyways? Does it mean can't have kids or might not be able to or we're not sure but let's run some more tests. 


This is all new to me so I'm trying to piece the vocabulary puzzle together as we go. In our story so far, infertility means the loss of something, whether that is an actual baby or the ability to have one.  


Since May, I have cried on and off, mourning what my body won't give me. Not the kind of crying you see in the movies with her makeup still on and just a couple of shed tears. No, this has been a season of compulsive, ugly crying. I've had my share of binge eating and not eating at all and thought for sure Ty was going to take me to counseling. Poor guy. He's trying so hard. And he's doing such a good job. On Tuesday when it was for sure we weren't pregnant again this month, he brought home Oreos because he knew it would make me smile, even if for a split second. 


Though he see the effects of it all, he cannot wrap his arms or head tight enough around what my body is feeling. Mostly because there is no sane way I can explain everything to him. Most of the conversations have gone like this: 


[Me sobbing] "I don't know why...I thought...we did everything we were supposed to...my body...I know God's in control...I just feel...I don't know why...I'm still crying..." 


What I was trying to say was that I know in my head that my God is in control. 
I'm not afraid of never having a family. I know we are going to adopt children whether we can have our own or not. But I am afraid that God isn't going to let me experience the miracle of life growing inside of me. I am afraid that the one thing I have asked of God persistently since high school, He might not let me have. 


I am afraid He'll say No.
And I don't want Him to say no. 


To be continued.