Your Marriage Questions Answered

*Due to the nature of this topic, the following video contains some frank language that may not be suitable for younger readers. 

You asked, and we answered. Well, we tried. 

TIME | QUESTIONS ANSWERED
Start | Q1: "I would love to hear more about submission…in a day to day setting."
5:21 | Q2: "My sex drive is higher than my husbands, isn't that backwards?"
6:30 | Q3: "What do married wish they'd done while they were single?"
7:48 | Q4: "What do singles fear most about marriage? Why? What can we do?
9:49 | Q5: "How have you sorted out together, things from your pasts?"
12:36 | Q6: "Which areas do you rely on God when you can't rely on your husband?
13:42 | Q7: "How do you execute headship w/o handing over all leadership?"
16:16 | Q8: "Do you think couples should stay together when there's cases of abuse?"
17:33 | Q9: "How do you say no, to commitments outside your marriage? "
19:51 | Q10: "Is masturbation sinful inside or outside of marriage?"

Resources Mentioned
Goodwomenproject.com
List of Questions for Your Significant Other
Real Marriage Series by Mark Driscoll
The Act of Marriage by Tim LaHaye
This Momentary Marriage by John Piper (Free Download)

So glad you've enjoyed this series. For a full recap, click here ~

Your Questions About Marriage Answered

"Marriage is beautiful because of the battles fought to create that beauty." 

What we've learned this week --

NAKED Truth About Marriage Intro
Why You Can't Submit
Why You Can Lead Everyone BUT Your Wife
Why Communication Makes the Best Foreplay
Why Don't We Make Out as Much as They Do?
Why We Didn't Let Porn Destroy Our Marriage
Why (Men) Think Marriage = Sex 

I know we've only scratched the surface about these NAKED truths about marriage. There are so many (like fighting well, when kids get involved, abuse and marriage, money, and the list could go on) that we didn't touch on but please know, we see the chord we've struck and are working to make this a more regular topic of conversation.

We've read the stories emailed to us and your comments in the blogs and on Twitter. So tomorrow we are going to answer your questions.

You can submit your questions at the bottom of this post, anonymously, and we'll be answering them via video. 

Why Anonymous?
I'm not a huge fan of anonymous comments or questions, however, this subject can contain such sensitivity and maybe some fear. I didn't want anyone to withhold asking a burning question for fear of judgement on their marriage. 

So ask away and we will do our best to give you biblically based, honest answers. 

-Ty + Jules 

Why (Men) Think Marriage = Sex

I used to fantasize about being married. Not about having a house, a white picket fence, a steady job, and a beautiful wife and adoring kids to come home to. No, I fantasized about my marriage being one camera shy of an amateur porn film Hugh himself would have envied. And as a single man, I was an expert on marriage. Lots of sex makes a healthy marriage.

On my honeymoon, I was going to lock us away in a hotel for a week and live on nothing but sex and cigarettes. The beat generation would have been envious of my whiskey and oxytocin enduced spaceman prose, high and poetic off the aura of my Helen of Troy.

Because sex is as close to perfection as any of us will ever get. In theory, one could say this is why we seek so frequently seek copulation outside of marriage. Because everything: anxiety, stress, depression, all of it, whether you love that person or not, dissolves into the stratosphere for a few near-perfect seconds when you’re tangled beneath the sheets and around each other. No drug nor drink does anything quite like it. Of course, in the case of, say, a one night stand, the crash back to planet earth from the heavenly stars above is painful enough that the only cure is to become an astronaut again.

I knew the high. I was determined, destined, desperate, to safely orbit the the earth for the rest of my life.

Then I actually got married. A whirlwind romance I wouldn’t recommend to anyone who gets queasy on ferris wheels and other carnival rides that go round and round. We read our vows and committed the whole hoopla of our love in front of 14 other people and God Himself six months after we met in person, on a cliff. And our honeymoon – - 3 days in a Denver hotel where we instagrammed pictures, watched a movie starring Matthew McConaughey, had dinner with my family, and enjoyed a couple of root beer floats amongst other acceptable activities upon our undefiled marriage bed – - was not exactly something Ginsberg would have been compelled to write about.

3 days wasn’t a week, nor did we do anything no one had ever seen or experienced before, but I was in love and found it a success nonetheless. Next, we were going to have our own apartment in a new city. We were going to work from home, which meant sex in the morning, sex in the afternoon, and sex before bed. We could spend entire days naked and marveling at each other’s bodies.

Except we went from our hotel in Denver to living in the backwoods of Oregon for 3 months in a half-finished basement where the nearest neighbor was seven miles away and reports of Bigfoot ran rampant through town. It’s hard to be naked and having sex every night when someone is constantly walking around upstairs where the vents conveniently carry your cries of passion, and a big hairy apeman with a possible penchant for the voyeuristic is lurking right outside your window.

The sex will get better when we move to LA.

So we moved to LA. And got a place of our own. But that didn’t change the fact that my wife married a man who lives in constant speculation that a Zombie Apocalypse is around the corner, and her new home sits right on a fault line. I find it far more difficult to be protective of my wife when I’m not wearing pants, no matter how often I go to the gym. I’m convinced Adam didn’t cover up because he was ashamed, but because if he had to slay a lion for his beloved, defeating such a beast seems immensely more probable when your reproductive organs can’t be mistaken for a midmorning snack.

I’m not expert on being married. In fact, I know less about marriage now than when I was single, but I can tell you this: the sole value of a woman in a man’s life is not sex. Unfortunately, ask any single man, particularly Christian, and he’ll tell you how he can’t wait to have a wife so he can have sex.

Here’s the thing ladies and gentlemen, it turns out the value I find in my wife, my lady, my queen, is not how quick she is to jump in the sack and perform a marathon with me. (I’m sure I sound like a scumbag for believing that the most important part of being married having sex. It’s not that I didn’t think women were valuable, but I was so far gone from my pornography addiction, it makes it more difficult to see women are capable of anything else.)

The first thing God deemed “not good” was being alone. So he gave Adam someone to do life with, not someone to just, well, do. 

Continue reading here >>>

Max Dubinsky is a writer. He lives on the road and sometimes in Los Angeles. He once drove across America in search of faith and God in the streets. Along the way he slept in 50 different beds, visited over 40 cities, and drank some 4,000 cups of coffee. He also met a girl on the road, fell in love, and married her on a cliff in Denver.

Why We Didn't Let Porn Destroy Our Marriage

*FYI: The following series is on marriage and may contain candid speech and "mature" subjects such as sex and pornography. 

It was the month after our 2- year anniversary when the crap hit the fan.  

I was on the elliptical when I saw that my husband's bi-weekly XXXchurch accountability email had arrived. Jason and I had what I thought were light bouts with porn, but under the words, “the following questionable links have been looked at,” I saw a much more heartbreaking list than ever before. After clicking through a few of them, it was confirmed: My husband had a problem with porn.

I stumbled off the elliptical and called Jason.  He barely got a “hello” out before I started sob-screaming at him. I told him I was loading up my stuff and heading to my parent’s house, four hours away. He begged me not to go and left work to come to me as soon as he could. He found me curled up in the bathroom.

I am not sure why I chose the bathroom, maybe because I needed the entire roll of toilet paper, but I found the floor most welcoming to my uncontrollable crying. 

Jason knew things had to change if our marriage was going to survive. 
When I got myself together, I whimpered out, “tell me everything.” When he did, I realized Jason’s battle wasn’t just a battle, it was an addiction. He was looking at it on a daily basis. 

I felt sick. Hurt. Betrayed. I told him I was done. I didn’t deserve to feel that way. It was the push Jason needed to finally come to terms with his addiction and do something serious about it.

Jason started a very intentional accountability relationship with someone he knew who’d been through something like this already. We all read through “Every Man’s Battle” together, fasting and praying throughout the first 40 days. He and his mentor identified the areas in his life that were wide open for temptation and set up healthy boundaries. For example, he  started going to bed when I went to bed and there were passwords on all of our computers. 

I committed to journeying with him in these things. That was the beginning Jason’s road of recovery.  I’ve found that although this was Jason’s problem, the solution takes both of us owning it. 

This is a fine line because I feel as though women take on this idea that its their fault when their husbands struggle with porn. Personally this was a great struggle for me and still can be on bad days.  There is this inner voice that can say, "If you just had sex all of the time!" or "If you would lose some weight, then he would be more attracted to you and not have the need to look elsewhere." I had to get to a place where my identity and confidence was NOT found in Jason, but in the Lord. As I have learned to do this the blaming myself for his struggle fades. What really began to open my eyes to this truth was when I read Every Man's Battle with him. The book does a good job of identifying why this is such a struggle for men and also has a section that was written by the authors' wives. I learned the nuances of this struggle and how to balance his responsibility and my partnership. Lastly, I learned the importance of pursuing a healthy sexual relationship with Jason, even though I was still healing from the hurt that I had experienced. Believe me, there were times when all I wanted to do was go out and find the adult zip up footy pajamas and live in them, but I knew in the core of my heart that was not the answer. I had to CONSTANTLY put my insecurities, anger, hurt, and feelings of betrayal in the hands of my BIG and loving Jesus. There are still days that I struggle, but God is so faithful and patient with me!

We just celebrated our 6-year anniversary and it has been awesome to see how God has used our story to help other couples struggling in the same area. It's a taboo topic but we've seen the amazing results of talking about porn and marriage.

I won’t sit here and say that it’s been easy and all of my trust in Jason's word is in tact, or that my identity doesn’t still suffer. There are still days I get lost in my thoughts of the different women that he has seen and struggle with feeling like a visual disappointment to him.  

But we know this is a constant battle and we have to actively remain in God’s truth. Why? Because our marriage is worth it. We know depth and grace in our relationship with each other depends on the activity in our relationship with God. We've seen the negative effects when that relationship is not a priority. 

For example, when I am not having regular time with the Lord or taking care of my body physically, I struggle more with comparing myself. Jason also got involved with triathlons, and did his first Ironman this year, raising $8000 for XXXchurch to not only help himself, but to help others fight the addiction. 

So on the flip side, when our relationship with God and with each other is founded in His Word and truth, our marriage thrives. To us, it is worth the work.

There are also some practical things we've done, to safe guard one another, (me from fear and him from addiction):


Boundaries We've Put in Place 
Adding a password on the racier ratings on TV
Internet filter/screening program
No hotels alone
Out of town accountability partner 
Going to bed together
Asking tough questions with love
Praying for one another


To some, these may seem tedious and ridiculous, but they work for us and provide a stability and growth in our marriage. 

Our story, as we've experienced God healing our marriage inwardly, has begun to take an outwardly effect on our lives and the world around us. 


CALL TO ACTION

If you are struggling, as a single, engaged, or married guy/girl, you need community. The most effective way to overcome any struggle or stronghold in your life is through the conversation, grace, and inspiration of people around you.

Here are some communities we recommend: 
For Guys: XXXChurch, Antioch Church, Celebrate Recovery
For Girls: Good Women Project, Antioch Church 

COMMENTING

How have you seen porn effect your life or the life of those around you? Was it negative or positive?

How have you worked through/overcome your dealings with porn in marriage/dating?

Jason and Elizabeth live in the southern California desert and have been married for 6 years. They are adopting their first son, Weiland, through Riverside County Foster/Adopt program. Jason is a Music Pastor for Southwest Community Church, and Elizabeth is the founder of Vantage, a local organization designed as the next generation in sex education for teens. Follow them at @jasonshafer and @thisisvantage 

Why Don't We Make Out as Much as They Do?

It shortly after my wedding day that I had a conversation with a woman from my church that went a little something like this:  

Her:  So what'd you do this weekend?  

Me:  Not much.  Had a quite weekend.  Watched a movie at home Friday night with Dave.

Her: Gotta love it.  Nothing like a little movie and make-out session on the couch!!

Me:  (awkward grin and giggle)  ya.

Her:  Oh come on.. you're not over that stage yet are you??? 

Me:  (awkward grin  again)

Not much of a conversation on my end. Which is unusual for me as I was chatting my mother's ear off while being born. But here, in this conversation with this particular lady I was not only at a loss for words but was freaking out inside.  

Truth was, my man and I most certainly snuggled up on the couch but there wasn't any making out.  We didn't want to miss the movie!  Now, reality is: some people are movie watchers and some people are maker-outers. That just is what it is (which are you??) but the issue was that all of a sudden I felt like there was an expectation of what Dave and I SHOULD be doing at this stage in our relationship.  And those types of "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" raced through my head constantly in the early stages of our marriage- adding quite a bit of stress.  

If you're anything like me, a gentle warning may suit you well right here: Don't freak out at what I'm about to say. Wait and process until you've read it all.  

Most often, when asked about the early stages of our marriage or the "honeymoon stage" if you will,  Dave and I respond with something like this:  

"By the grace of God, our honeymoon stage was short lived."

Let me give you some context.  

When my husband and I met each other, I would dare say we both were both were, well,  confused in life.  But especially when it came to relationships.  

I had just recently broken off an engagement and had told myself I was to never look at another man again.  I had lost all sense of trust in myself as to how to make good decisions with men. Dave was also on a journey of his own, looking for relationships that were "perfect".  So neither of us were really looking for each other.  

However, when I got hired as a youth pastor at a church he was interning for, we were unable to avoid one another. I could not deny that he was absolutely gorgeous but I was terrified inside to let myself think it.  The more time we spent together, the more we realized how terrified we BOTH were, because we actually enjoyed being around one another.  

Things progressed beautifully and we began to date and spend time together outside of our work.  I had never laughed so much with a man in my whole life.  We finally made our relationship official. I couldn't believe that, after all I had been through, that God had brought such an incredible man into my life. 

But then, something weird started happening.

We'd be having a beautiful time together and then suddenly find ourselves in these moments where we were unsure if the relationship was right. Or we were unsure of how we felt about the other person. Yes, it was over petty things most of the time, but this sent us into a downward cycle of breaking up and getting back together a million times over.  Our friends even started making jokes about our relationship.  

Until one weekend, after having decided what I thought was a final end to our relationship,  some friends that loved us both sat us down and said:

"You are afraid.  If you do not learn to commit, you will never know true love."  

We were scared of encountering a time when maybe we wouldn't FEEL something for one another.  

We were scared of pain and disappointment.  

We were scared of the moments where love must choose the other person day in and day out, regardless of circumstances.

We were scared of truly giving ourselves to the other person.

We were scared of truly being known by another person.

We were scared of the moments when we "should" be making out on the couch and weren't.

David made me want to be a better, more holy person.  I WANTED him to know me and see me and I WANTED to know and see him. Everything in me wanted to be with this man, despite how scared I was.   

So we did. We chose one another for true love's sake.

Not for our feelings which came and went (as is normal in all healthy relationships) but because we both wanted a marriage that would serve Christ and make us and the world around us see the love of God more clearly.  

Here's where it all ties together:  Making this commitment to one another, getting engaged, and setting forth on the marriage journey was absolutely amazing.. but it took our old habits and ways of looking at relatinships a long time to die.  (Might I add... they are still dying..)  

By God's grace, we were faced with the hard core truths and realities of what true love and marriage is really about before we were even married.  If we were going to do this marriage thing right, we needed to MAKE right some of our WRONG ideas and ways of living and relating to each other.  This is why I say our honey moon stage was short lived.  

But despite the short life of newlywed passion, we were given a greater gift. We stood face to face, before God and our community on our wedding day and made a covenant to one another to love each other with the kind of love that moves far past emotions and feelings, that fights for peace, that gives of oneself for another, and that always seeks the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit for unconditional love, direction, comfort and provision.

The times that I sit on the couch next to my man watching a movie-- maybe holding hands, maybe not, but KNOWING that he is my best friend, my faithful partner, and committed to this journey with me-- is equally as amazing and needed as the times when we are caught up in loves most heated times together.  

I know now, our relationship is not based on any hot married moment on the couch or romantic dance under the moonlight in our pajamas. (Although those moments are sweet.) 

"Many waters cannot quench love, rivers cannot sweep it away."  Song of Solomon 8:7

As with the river and water's tide, so feelings for your husband and wife may rise and fall, but true love cannot be swept away.  

CALL TO ACTION

Singles: There is much truth in what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7, "And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband..." This however, is NOT to say that you shouldn't desire or pursue marriage. It is, I believe, saying that while you are in a season of non-marriage, your heart should be freely and relentlessly pursuing the heart of God. So what you start comparing your life to the married couples, take a mental list of how you can serve the Lord, maybe in ways they can't in this season. 

Marrieds: When you start feeling the temptation, longing and pull to create fantasies or control feelings of romance in your marriage, ask yourself what you can do to serve your spouse instead.  (Especially us ladies)

May that be the focus, and then may you swim in loves' true romance with the blessing that comes out of that, which far outweighs anything we might try to control.  

COMMENTING

Are you a movie watcher or movie makeouter?

Has your "Hot Marriage Moments" shifted over time?

Did you have a honeymoon phase? 

Dave and Cara Maat have been married 4 years. They live in currently humid Michigan, with their newest baby bump on the way. Connect with Cara on Twitter or her Blog.

Why Communication Makes the Best Foreplay

*FYI: The following series is on marriage and may contain candid speech and "mature" subjects such as sex and pornography; both topics I think are too important not to discuss, but might be inappropriate for younger readers.

Do you know that you have a husband that longs for you? A man who’s committed to you, and thinks you’re beautiful? I don’t know about you but occasionally, I need to be reminded of this. He likely thinks of you while he’s at work, while he’s driving, and basically everywhere else he goes. According to many studies, you’re naked in his thoughts. How cool is that?

My husband’s favorite phrase when it comes to sex is, “just say yes”.

I can tell you, in all honesty, that sex (or the lack thereof) can make or break a marriage. When we choose to love on our husbands, we make them want to come home to us. 

Sex changes marriages. It changes the way we feel about ourselves, and our spouses. Being intimate with your soul mate in an incomparable experience

I asked my husband how many times a week he would prefer to have sex, and he very calmly, without hesitation said, “48”. Obviously, this is a gross exaggeration (at least I hope so!), but the point is that he would like that type of physical intimacy as often as I’m willing to give it. 

Thankfully, my love language is touch so this works out nicely for us. However, not every man, or woman, has the same needs. I think it’s important for both husband and wife to understand that their spouse is built differently, and their physical needs are sometimes different than ours. 

There are times when you’re exhausted, when you’re at the end of your rope and getting naked just might put you over the edge. That’s a movie-view of sex. In marriage, not every night has to be a 3 hour love fest, and you’re allowed to give yourselves a break. As a business woman, volunteer and mom of 2 energetic children, I’ve found that quickies are God’s gift to the weary. Your man will not complain if you just want let him do all of the work from time to time. 

The key, is communication.

Sex in marriage, as God’s design, creates in you a bond with your spouse that grows and deepens through time. Your cravings for one another begin to shift from animalistic instinct to a deep longing for intimacy. But there is a danger of quenching the thirst. 

Ask your spouse questions. Ask them to ask you questions. 
Making the effort to know one another will be the greatest foreplay you might ever know. 

Do you remember at the beginning of your marriage, you had your unique way of loving your husband or wife? You soaked in their bodies and the way they move. You both traced each other’s curves with your fingers, and your kisses linger on their lips. 

Unfortunately, there are times when we take on too much (husbands AND wives), and forget just how necessary the basic need for physical intimacy is. Guilty as charged! 

Rest assured that seasons change, and making love will not always be a priority. Pregnancies and nursing newborns have been the cause of a dry spell or two in our home, however, we always make our way back to one another.

Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh”.

One flesh.

Beautifully implying God’s design for marriage is unlike anything else. 

Marriage is to be cherished, protected, and celebrated. And as a direct result, your sex life is also to be cherish, protected, and celebrated. 

- - - - -

CALL TO ACTION

Marrieds: Date your spouse, make love often, and put the other person first; though it may take time, your whole world will change. 

An idea to get you started

-Learn each others love languages and speak them often. Knowing the way in which your spouse needs to be loved can have a huge impact on your relationship. Does he/she need to be touched often? Does he/she need to hear words of affirmation? Does he/she know the way you need to be loved as well?  (Recommended reading: The 5 Love Languages-Gary D. Chapman)

Singles/Engaged: What are your overall thoughts on sex. What do you think it looks like in marriage? What are your expectations for sex in marriage? Talk through these with a (mature) couple you trust, who will lead you to realistic and biblical truths about sexuality. 

COMMENTING

Who/what do you think formed your view and opinions of sex? (Movies, music, friends, family, books, etc) 

How have you seen sex divide and/or unify in marriage?

Katie McGihon is a wedding photographer, blogger and worship leader in Palm Springs, California. She holds herself to God’s standards, and is grateful to wake up every day and do what she loves. She is a wife to Scott, and Momma to Aden and Ava.

Why You Can't Submit

Submission (Definition)

The action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person.

An act of surrendering to a hold by one's opponent.

No, thank you. 

In the Church, submission has a bad reputation. Mostly because of the Church, but that is not to generalize every church. Christian women think of submission as a gender specific religious role in society. We often hear, that because we are women, we are naturally under authority of men.

That is not okay with me. It never has been. 

As a newly wed, I struggled and struggled with what submission looked like in my marriage. I am a highly stubborn, independent and Type A girl. I am, by my own admission, a fake feminist. Let's just get that out there. Submission is not in my nature. 

Let me tell you a story: 

6 months into our marriage, we realized the honeymoon was over and we were in the midst of a heated "disagreement" (read: fight. Let's just call it what it is.) We had gone around and around emphasizing our own points and agendas, when Tyson stopped me mid-argument and said, "Can you please stop yelling?" 

Are you kidding me? We're fighting! Of course I cannot stop yelling. That's what people do when they fight...right? 

"There is no need to yell. I'm right here and I'm listening."

But if I don't yell then you won't know how serious I am. You'll think I'm okay with X, Y and Z. 

"I don't think we can continue this conversation if you can't lower your voice."

Lower my voice? I'll show you lower-my-voice. And out I walked.

I slept on the couch that night. Something we vowed never to do. 

Now, I am not proud of this moment. But it was the moment I realized I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't know how to be a good wife. I was awful to the man that loved me the most. 

If you notice, I never said "No, I will not stop yelling." But even though those specific words weren't there, I said them with every eye roll, voice raise and body language. I don't know why I couldn't just lower my voice! What was so wrong with me that I couldn't act like an adult in my own marriage. 

As time has gone on, I realize now my subconscious (and not so subconscious) view of Biblical Submission was warped, thwarted and far from biblical. And it's been that way since I was single.

I have seen many women demonstrate godly submission in the most beautiful of ways. One of whom, is my mother. I long after their poise and grace. I wish so much I could be to my husband as they are to theirs. But as I desperately pleaded with God and with the women to teach me, show me, anything to help figure it out, I had a light-bulb moment.

All the women I looked up to were older. They had done this marriage thing a little longer than I and they were getting good at it.

Or in the words of my momma, "Honey, none of us are born good wives."

You see, as a newlywed, we can't submit anymore than a newborn can walk. We can't submit because we don't know how to. It takes time, learning, some unlearning, and practice. A lot of practice.

When a woman stands at the alter, drinking in the atmosphere, how beautiful she feels in her white gown and in the eyes of her husband, there is no way she can foresee how bad of a wife she is (and how bad of a husband her man is). No one tells you that when they sign you wedding cards.

Could you imagine? "Congrats on your big day! Everything you ever fantasized about marriage is about to hit the fan. Good luck!" 

And though that is a bit dramatic, I don't think anyone really warns you because it's something you have to learn, on your own, within your own marriage. 

Marriage is beautifully good and beautifully tough, sometimes at the same time. Learning submission is part of that package. 

I wish I could tell you what submission looks like in your marriage, but I think that is something you will need to discover on your own. There are clear principles God has laid out for us to live into as wives, but the practicality of those will morph uniquely within marriages. 

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. (EPH 5:22-24) 

Your submission, to your own husband, is meant to bring unity and love into your marriage. If you read this passage in context (which you should always do), you'll see that Paul is elaborating on his earlier point of love and peace among Christians. Not division, fear or control. 

You're not a bad wife, but you might not be a good one either. And that's okay. We're all in this together.

CALL TO ACTION

SINGLES: Your perspective of submission will be projected in your future marriage. Write out what you think submission looks like (as a wife or for your wife) and sit down with an older married couple and ask them to give you feedback on that view. 

MARRIEDS: If you've been married for any amount of time, you know submission is easier to idealize than to actualize. The greatest tool in marriage is talking. Ask your husband (or wife, if you're a husband reading this) what his/her view of biblical submission is. Talk through the various opinions (there are many) and do some studying of the Bible to see what God's plan was for submission in marriage. It works, promise. 

COMMENTING

-What misconceptions of submission have you been wrestling out? 
-How do you see submission playing out in your marriage? Are there things about submission you are uncomfortable with?
-For fun: Do you have a humiliating story like mine to share? (Oh please do.)

Julianna and Tyson have been living a soap opera turned real-life fairytale for the last 5 years. Their biggest lesson learned in marriage is that the other person come first. So that means Jules buys ketchup despite her hatred of it and Tyson deals with all the bath products in the shower despite his confusion. That's gold people. 

NAKED: The Truth About Marriage

*FYI: The following series is on marriage and may contain candid speech and "mature" subjects such as sex and pornography; both topics I think are too important not to discuss, but might be inappropriate for younger readers. 

The raw beauty of marriage often gets "covered up" in Christian conversation. 
As a Christian community, we have become afraid of the struggle that illuminates the very purpose of matrimony. We don't talk about failure. We cover up shame. No one can know our honeymoon phase never existed. 

This wasn't how it was supposed to be. That's what we said, in month 2 of our freshly romanticized nuptials. And surprisingly, we later realized that God was saying the same thing.

This wasn't how it was supposed to be. There is so much more to that magnifying glass of fear, submission, leadership and sexuality that you are looking through. You've only begun the discovery. 

Every year I get asked questions, mostly from new batches of newly weds, about my marriage. Ty and I have been very candid (yet protective) about our roller-coaster ride of marriage. We believe everyone has bouts of struggle and hardship, and we wish people would have been more candid with us in the earlier months and years so wouldn't have felt so alone. 

That is the heartbeat of this blog and this series:  to let you know, you are not alone.

God's design for your marriage is much bigger than yours and it is only perfected with time. Throughout this series we will give you -good content, -lots of resources, and -Scripture to wrestle through. ~


THIS WEEK'S TOPICS:

• Why Don't We Makeout As Much As They Do? - by Cara and Dave Maat
• Why You Can't Submit - by Julianna Morlet
• Why You Can Lead Everyone BUT Your Wife (For the Husbands) - by Tyson Morlet
• Why We Didn't Let Porn Destroy Our Marriage - Elizabeth and Jason Shafer
• Why Communication Makes the Best Foreplay - Katie & Scott McGihon
• Why (Men) Think Marriage = Sex
• Q&A | Answering YOUR Questions

COMMENTING: 

As we go along, we want this to be a conversation. All writers will be checking the blog regularly (our husbands too!) on the days we've written to answer your questions, encourage you, and read your conversations, so please feel completely free to comment. 

CALLS TO ACTION:

At the end of each piece, there will be a call to action (def: something for you to do), for marrieds and singles. I understand and love that a lot of you that read here are not married and are in different seasons of life. I still believe the conversations presented this week are applicable to you. And marrieds, these are gonna be toughies but don't be afraid. We've all been in those awkward-turned-amazing-conversations with our spouses! 


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Ready or not, here we go. See ya Tuesday, bright and early! 

An Overdue Letter to My Husband

While gearing up for our NAKED series next week, I thought it would be appropriate to write a long overdue letter to my husband. Mostly because he's pretty awesome. 


Dear Tyson Morlet,

Over the last five years we have grown to be best friends in the most ridiculous and opposite of ways. I'm a rule follower, you're a rebel. I like hot coffee, you like iced. I shut the windows and you reopen them. I dread housework, you find the dishes relaxing. I only try to be funny, you make even the grumpiest people laugh. I want white furniture, you want dark. I like country music, you like weird indie stuff. (Yup, I said it.) But nevertheless, I love you and you, well it would be an understatement to say that you love me. 

The world knows your side of our love story. You knew you were going to marry me since Christmas 2007. You prayed and pursued and I rejected and rejected. But now I think it's time they knew just how much I've adored you, from the very first moment. 

It was June 1, 2008. You had just weaseled me into a lunch date with "friends," who just happened to never show. I was so annoyed at your persistence, but looking back, I can tell you it wasn't annoyance. 

It was fear. 

I was afraid that I had just had lunch with my future husband. I was afraid because everything was so natural. I was afraid because you adored me so. I was afraid because, the life you had painted for us, well, it was perfect. Not the fairytale kind of perfect. It was real life, I-can-totally-see-that-happening kind of perfect. 

You showed me a way of life I only dreamed was possible. 

As the months and year went by, I knew neither of us would be complete on our own ever again. I knew God had fashioned and crafted me, for you. And you for me. You were the man my family and I prayed would have much patience and compassion. You were the man I prayed would love me intensely. You were the man I prayed would raise my children to love God and love others. You were the man I prayed would make music with me and that I would serve the Church with. 

You were him then, and you are more so today. On the other side of our soap opera was a fairytale. And on the other side of that fairytale, was a road to unconditional, God-given love that I have for only you. 

No one sees me the way you do. No one believes in me the way you do. No one loves me the way you do. And I will try my very best, for the rest of our lives, to see, believe, and love you the same. 

I love you babe. 

More on our love story:

Our Proposal

Our Wedding Day

Its My Love Story and You Can't Have It (pt1)

Its My Love Story and You Can't Have It (pt2)