You are for Me.

Today was a crazy day. Alot of good things but not enough time. Nothing bad. Just busy. It's days like this when I think, What if I'm doing this all wrong? But I dont know how to change it. Do you ever feel like that? And if so, what do you do?


I talked to God alot today. I told that I'm a little frustrated at Him. A little hurt. But I still trust Him. I told him that I felt like He stopped speaking to me. That ever since I got married, He stopped communicating with me like He use to. I still learn because He has revealed Himself through the Bible and I still love Him because He has changed my life. But I'm just a little butt-hurt.


And...I know what He's doing. 


He's testing me.


You see, before I was married, I only had to depend on God. I made decisions based on what I thought He was telling me. I was independent. And if I questioned anything I thought He was telling me or any move He was calling me to make, I could reason out my doubt with, He's God. Sovereign God. Who am I to doubt His plan? It just seemed silly to doubt God Almighty.


But now, now I have man, a wonderful man at that, but still a man, that is biblically supposed to take the position of my leader. My decision maker. Not in a chauvinistic way. He is very humble when he puts his foot down and takes the lead. However, now my pride, self-sufficiancy, and refusal to obey has been revealed. Exposed. Illuminated for my husband to see and I am having a hard time with it. 


It was one thing to doubt my trust in God. It was a silly notion. 
It's a whole other story to trust that my human being husband is getting his orders from God.


It's a lot harder and I confessed and asked Tyson's forgiveness a couple weeks ago because I wasn't trusting that God's goodness was guiding Him. I was questioning everything under the sun. I couldn't just be. I couldn't just rest. I couldn't trust. 


So this has been my anthem song. It's written by Kari Jobe and has pierced my heart to its core. So I declare this to myself and if you're in that place of brokenness with me, I encourage you to declare it to yourself as well.  


God,
I know that you are faithful. I know that you are so constant and so true, so powerful in all you do. You see me, you fill me, you love for me to sing to you. I know that you are for me, I know that you are for me, I know that you will never forsake me in my weaknesses. I know that you have come down, even if to write upon my heart to remind me who are. 


Love, JM