Wednesday, December 5, 2012

11 Things Not to Say to Newlyweds (and Why)

Every newlywed has that question that is like lemon on a salted wound or the broken record that is on everlasting repeat. Here's what not to say to a recent newlywed.

I'm guilty of these too.
1. How's married life?
This is kind of an exception because, in all honesty, you probably really want to know. Or do you? Newlyweds get this way too often, and answers can become rote and rehearsed. Of course they're not going to tell you about the actual married life, if you know what I mean. Let's try to change it up to what's the best part about marriage? or what's shocked you so far? 

2. Soooooo when are those babies comin??
I want to meet the first person ever that asked this and slap them. Kindly. Almost all newlyweds will smile and give you some long far off timeline but honestly, they don't know just as much as you don't. Life doesn't work like that.

3. Are you all settled in?
Timeline is very important here. 1 Week after the wedding: are you kidding? Have you unpacked a house before? 1 Month after the wedding: The proper answer is yes, because I don't want you to know I haven't touched anything since we've moved in... 1 Year after the wedding: If we're not by now, we never will be. 

4. Is it different living with a guy?
You're expecting them to tell you some funny story about the toilet seat being up in the middle of the night or the sink full of shavings, but what they're really thinking is I had no idea guys fart in their sleep! So yes, yes it is.

5. Aww sweety you look so healthy!
Why do you patronize me so? I know you mean, Aww you're gaining marriage weight. 

6. Oh I bet you're still in the honeymoon phase.
Maybe. Maybe not. And if they're not, they'll just lie to you anyways and that's gonna make them feel really bad.

7. Oh you two are young, you'll get the hang of it.
The urge to respond with a big fat, "duh" is unbearable. We understand you're reminiscing of the younger years in that sentence, but we're living in the younger years and we could really use some chocolate.

8. Honey, no one's an expert on marriage, but...
As you proceed into your 20 minute monologue alluding to the fact that you are, indeed, an expert on the subject, all they're thinking is that is so not my marriage. Everyone's different. Let our advice be as such.

9. How's the sex?
No! You better be the BFF if you're asking this question. If you're anyone else, back off. In.appro.priate! 

10. It just gets better. 
Though you're probably right, this can be either really good or really bad. How long does it have to be bad to get better? Or wait, it gets better? Than this?! But I love this!

11. Marriage isn't all about the sex.
Right now, it probably is. Or maybe it isn't. But you don't know that. Preconceived notions about the percentage sex should take up in a marriage isn't up to the cultural norm to make. It's up to the couple. Let it be.

What To Say Instead: I'm so happy for you!
Yes. This is the most amazing response we ever received as a newlywed couple. No pressure to talk, no weird questions to answer, and yet we knew our friends and family were happy for us.

Got some to add?
^^^Opinions, two-cents, questions and ramblings are welcome. And go above. Go ahead. Try it.

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