Hi My Name is Julianna and I'm Believing God

"Have you decided that what you have done or what you are doing is all you'll ever do? Ah, God's far too creative for that." - Beth Moore | http://ctt.ec/1dtHC

I'm reading Beth's book, Believing God, with a group of my closest friends and our worlds are being turned upside down by the challenges she gives to move out of the mode of complacency into the action of faith.

"Faith is an action word," mama Beth reminds us. | http://ctt.ec/7a6pJ

"The church, comprised of all believers in Jesus Christ, is generally pretending she's cloaked with kingdom power and effectiveness while in reality she has exposed herself in the powerlessness to the ridicule of the world."

See what I mean?

I don't want to finish this life, at whatever age God seems fit, and see that I never reached even remotely what God could have done with my life.

I don't want to regret being selfish.
I don't want to regret being scared.
I don't want to regret being so concerned with safety that I pace in the desert. Familiar, yes. Dry and weariness, even more so.

However, doubt is a big crux in my belief system. How about you?

I don't necessarily doubt God's existence or really that He lacks control, but I do doubt His goodness. Often. And I don't want to anymore.

I have no reason to. He's given me no reason to. 

I can't pinpoint one, not one, situation or circumstance that God failed me. There are plenty that give off the illusion of failure. Sexual abuse. Recession. Miscarriages. Church planting.

All those illusions are just that. Illusions. And if I back up far enough away from the pain and hurt and confusion to see the bigger picture, there's an answer. There's always an answer.

I want to move. I want to fight. I want to walk alongside my brothers and sisters in an action filled faith that allows us to see the supernatural kingdom of God rain down onto this earth.

I don't what exactly that looks like for me yet, and I can't say I'm not freaked out of my mind. But I hear awareness and discontentment with our own complacency is a good place to start.

Hi, my name is Julianna and from now on, I'm believing God. 

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Have a small group? I recommend this book 1000%. Get Beth's book here > http://amzn.to/1hTYV39

I Am Not Afraid of You Anymore | On Forgiveness

This post is written in response to a scarred part of my life. I share it freely for the purpose of encouragement and restoration. If you've experience sexual abuse and would like to chat, you can send me a message through Facebook or leave a comment below. 

I use to shutter at the sight of your name. Something inside of my spirit would wilt, cower, turn away whenever I encountered anything or anyone that reminded me of you.

I would lay awake at night, wondering if I was safe. If my mother and brother and sister were safe. Reading that sentence back now it  seems silly really. But back then, you were my worst nightmare.

But not for the reason you might think. 

I wasn't afraid of you because I thought you were a monster, though most would say otherwise. And it wasn’t because I thought you were dangerous or lethal, though some might argue you were.

I was afraid of you because of what you weren’t. You weren’t who you said you were. You weren’t the safe place you were supposed to be. I was afraid because your failure damaged that sacred place in me.

I was afraid of you because you were the hand behind the gaping wound I have in one of the deepest parts of my soul. My being. I would never be the same because of you. 

Or so I thought. For a long time. As a child I thought I’d never recover.  As a child, thinking juvenile thoughts with naive limitations, I thought I’d never be the same again. I was damaged. And it was you that damaged me. 

But God. 

He is bigger. 

He is bigger than you and me and them. 

He shattered the glass ceiling on healing. He very gently took down the brick walls I had built around redemption. He taught me strength and courage through the vulnerability and humility of my mother. He loved me, like a Father should, through the hands and wisdom and heart of my father. And He showed me the magnetic and supernatural of forgiveness through my husband. 

Forgiveness. A power unmatched by any court or weapon or earthly force. And yet, it is accessible by all. Even me.

I've been called to forgive much because I've been forgiven of much. Thank you Jesus for that unwavering truth. 

You see, forgiveness breaks chains, both physically and emotionally. Forgiveness shatters anger and resentment.

Forgiveness rebuilds wholeness and goodness and love. 

So I am not afraid of you anymore, because I choose to live free. 

I am not afraid of you anymore because I forgive you. 

For the sake of my redemption and yours as well. 

Healing From Sexual Abuse

In years past, waking up to raindrops on the roof of our house was quickly followed by feelings of freshness and purity. It was almost like the rain had washed everything away and was now giving the world permission to start over. A new day with new life being watered and cared for. Sometimes I would lie in bed for hours after waking and remember all the things in my life that the Lord had freed me from. All the things He had washed away from my life and had allowed me to start over with. Clean. Fresh. Forgiven.

When I would finally get enough motivation to get out of bed, I would glance outside the window to see nature, not cowering or shriveling from the weight of the falling water, but rather blooming greener and brighter than ever. How does that work, I would wonder. When it rains, most creatures and humans run for cover in order to get away from the cold wet surroundings. However the grass, the trees, and flowers do not. Instead they open up all the more as if they are soaking up every bit of every drop that so graces them with its existence. It is as if they welcome the storms, despite the possible dangers it presents to them. There is no fear in their being, but rather full release to bloom even brighter amidst the pouring rain. 

There is an age-old debate among the psychological world as to whether a human being becomes who he or she is based strictly on their genetic makeup and DNA or whether it is the environment he or she is raised in and/or exposed to. It is called the Nature vs. Nurture Debate. Though I am not a well studied scientist by any means, the more people I get to know and the more I analyze their character based on what I know about their childhood, their family, their home-life, their friends, and so on, the more I am coming to believe that we are who we are based, not strictly but predominantly, on the latter option of the argument.

Example number one: Me. At the age of four, some may say that the innocent path of my life was redirected by the misguidance and selfishness of another. Yet 18 years later, I have defeated the norms of this redirection. But it would be folly to claim this victory as a result of self-confidence, self-determination, and self-ambition to be a survivor. Though determination and confidence are vital ingredients, the healing is coming solely through the work and power of Jesus Christ. My redeemer. My Saviour. My healer. My God.

From the blood of one sinner, came another sinner. Me. And from my womb will come another sinner. [Hopefully a few of them]. My children. And the cycle of brokenness and disparity will inevitably continue because of justice. But when I hand the control of my life over to Jesus Christ, He strips me of all guilty verdicts and floods my life with healing and hope. And should anyone else so desire to do the same, the same grace will be bestowed upon you. This is the message I wish to develop with you on this journey.

This is a message of hope for healing and revival.

Though my story deals with the issue of sexual abuse, I believe the principles within these pages, taken from the truths of God’s Word, are applicable to wounds of all kinds [ie. physical abuse, emotional abuse, loss, grief, guilt and shame, etc]. You are not sure what the next step is. You know what you feel and you know that the pain is becoming too much to bear. You know you have fears, anxieties, and regrets. You are confused. I was too.

But if you are reading this because you are in a state of search for something or someone to give you a “How-To” plan or a solution to your pain and hurting, the following pages will not suffice. You may be gravely disappointed because they are not intended to. They are intended to guide you to a place of brokenness, humility, and desperation for something so far outside of yourself. We cannot heal our own brokenness. There must something more.