Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Isaiah 41:10 - (Day Three)
I'm afraid of the dark.
Always have been and probably always will be. It could be contributed to some incidences in my childhood or it could be contributed to just plain ol' kid fear carried over. Either way it's true and it's as real and paralyzing today as it was when I was seven years old.
I remember frantically and fearfully running up my grandparents staircase, every time, because I was sure someone was following me.
I remember sleeping with the bathroom light on because I feared someone sneaking in my window or breaking in the house. Somehow I thought if I could see everything, it would never happen.
I remember never watching movies with lights off because I was afraid of someone sneaking in and scaring us.
I remember, as a teen, running to my car at night with my keys between my fingers and my rape whistle in my mouth for fear that anyone could jump me at any moment.
I remember, just this morning, locking my car doors as I drove down Sunset Blvd because you never know, someone could jump in.
Monday I mentioned my mother laid a framework for the importance of Scripture in life. She would write verses should thought I might glean from on 3X5 cards and sprinkle them in various areas of my life. My car, my room, my bathroom mirror, my backpack, my wallet, my door, my dresser. They were everywhere.
But the verse first one she ever gave me was this:
"Fear not, for I am with you; be not afraid, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)
She knew my fear. She knew it was an understandable fear but it was crippling in life. My fear is not based on reason. It originated from a justifiable reason, but that reason no longer exists.
And my little "preventative" actions I've habitualized over the years created a false sense of safety. It went from a silly childlike fear of the dark to a deep emotionally paralyzing fear that haunts me.
There is no real ending to this story because it's still being written. I sleep in the dark now but only because I'm married and I know anyone getting to me has to go through him. haha. But my mind and heart and spirit are becoming less and less paralyzed everyday.
If you don't know Jesus, you will experience fear.
If you do know Jesus, you will still fear. But you don't have to.
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