Just Let it Go.

Sometimes I just need to let it go. I'm having a hard time finding balance in my life right now. I have this innate desire to make all bad things right. Or sometimes they're not even bad, they're just wrong, misplaced or unfair. I have an idea of what my life and life around me should be [I think they call that "ideal"] and when reality and ideal don't match-up, I try my hardest to make it match up. Or at least I dream of making it match up.


For example, in my ideal world, I would be able to schedule my life by the minute, making room and time for all the things I'd like to accomplish. In my ideal week, I want to bake, read, write, drink lots of coffees and teas and sing all day. 


In my ideal jobs, my voice students would practice, my co-workers would value my opinion more, I would have thicker skin, and my high school students would always do their homework. 


In my ideal marriage, I would be able to swiftly submit to my husbands leadership, he would come home with flowers and a Gingerbread latte everyday, and we would never have a fight that lasts longer than 5 minutes. 


In my ideal version of faith, I would never doubt the hand of God, always turn to His Word before and after any decision making, and spend an hour alone with Him every day. But ideals are just that. Ideals. Some enter reality and others never will. Or at least not anytime soon. I'm learning to be ok with that. I'm learning that just like me, others are learning too. No one's an expert at life. And if you think you are, get married. You'll change your hypothesis.  


I don't know what I was expecting Ty to do or be as a husband. And I don't know what I was expecting to do or be as wife. Girls are weird that way. We don't know what we want until something that we don't want is in front of us and then we realize, yea that's not really what I want. Am I alone here sistas? Tyson makes fun of me all the time for this. He'll ask me where I want to eat and I'll reply, I don't care. You pick. Then he'll pick some guy-food restaurant [although now his default is the Vietnamese place thanks to A.Pitts] and I'll realize, Ok maybe I do care because that does not sound good. 


I didn't realize that I had preconceived ideas about marriage before I was married. I thought I was going  prepared and with an open mind, but I quickly discovered I was not prepared and opened minded at all. I don't think you can prepare for marriage as some say you can. Sure there are key obvious things like if and when you wanna have kids, is your faith the same, who's going to be the breadwinner, how do you fight, etc. But that stuff is all theory until you are in the muck and mire of it all and are frantically trying to recall that list of tips, tricks, and tidbits all those married ladies at your bridal shower wrote down. 

Then one afternoon, in conversation with my momma, I had an epiphany. I had been "expecting" my Ty to be an experienced, well-rounded, perfect husband. I expected him to be a perfectionist at husband-ing. Even though he'd never done it before. He'd never been a husband before. What was I thinking? And I wasn't good at wife-ing.  I have never been a wife before. Ah it was so freeing. It was like all the burden of perfection was released from us. We allowed each other to make mistakes. We allowed each other to grow and learn and get better at this whole marriage thing. 


And let me tell you. We have. 


I love you Tyson Morlet and am so happy to be growing more and more in love with you.


I let it go. 


Mmm. 


Love,