There were a lot of things during pregnancy I was completely ignorant of. Like I didn't know everything got bigger. I thought it was the belly (obviously), maybe my face would chub up a little and no doubt my booty was done for. But my fingers swelled to an unrecognizable size, my feet went from size 7 to 8, my eyelashes left the building and don't even get me started on the unmentionables.
By week 37, I was ready to meet my baby girl. Or at least that's the partial truth I responded with when people asked if I was done being pregnant. Of course I was ready to meet her, but the unspoken half of the answer was and have my own body back.
Can I have a moment of transparency? This reality was really hard for me. After 2 years of struggling through the sorrow of miscarriages, I would give anything (!) to let my body distort in exchange for a baby.
And when it happened, I thought for sure I'd carry everything, everyday, in perspective. But when I didn't, the guilt and fear began to set in.
"This was a miracle. The one I'd begged God for. She's here and she's mine." I reminded myself nearly every morning when Ty brought my breakfast. (Oh yes he did.)
But then there comes a time when perspective gets warped and the dark line appearing on my rapidly expanding belly (Linea Nigra) was the tipper to push me off the emotional edge of self loathing and fear. Supposedly it's from hormones and fades after birth, but it was so ugly to me. Harsh? A little. But I couldn't help it. Because it wasn't really about the line. It was about me.
The physical fears started booming into emotional fears, landing into my spiritual fears:
What if it never goes away? What if my husband doesn't think I'm sexy any more? What if that ruins our marriage? What if we drift apart? What if I am not a good wife anymore? Will that hurt me as a mother? What if I'm not a good mother?! What if I screw up my girl? What if she doesn't know God? What if I don't show her!?
See how damaging this can be? Yet, it's real. You know it and now I know it.
It's so easy for us to surrender perspective to the details in life, regardless of permanency or importance. (Tweet that!)
It's so easy for us to surrender perspective to the details in life, regardless of permanency or importance. (Tweet that!)
Yes, perspective leaks like water in a spaghetti strainer. We need constant reminders of who we are, why we're here, and what is most important in life. (Tweet, tweet.)
This is why, when my photographer offered to touch up the line on my belly, I said no. It's not beautiful to me, in fact, it still bothers me a little. But it represents a tiny baby, growing at a rapid and miraculous rate, who represents the grace and blessings of God in my life.
And that, to me, is beautiful.
(Am I alone in this? What do you feel is ugly yet representing beauty to you?)
Photos taken by Oopsy Daisy Photography. Book her. You won't regret it.
